It's been a while since I posted a blog entry. Honestly, I've been going through a tough times last 2016 and I dont feel like writing. So, I wasted my time browsing through Instagram and watching Korean dramas every night after work while I'm going through my own problems with anxiety and depression. Before I knew it, I hadn't write a thing this past few months.

Before I take a break, I feel that now is the right time to speak out and release these feelings—to find closure (no future hopes or promises, just closure for myself). That’s why I’m writing this entry here on my blog. Sometimes, no closure is closure in itself. Since he never allowed me even a day or a moment of his time, all I want now is to begin healing before I finally close this chapter of my life.

This confession story is a continuation of my latest entry, Thrill of Freedom. Again, in the late summer of that year, I was so innocent and happy—without a care in the world—as long as I could enjoy that taste of freedom. It’s nice to bring back those good memories from the past. Now, I can’t help but laugh when I remember myself back then.

I was feeling exhilarated by the thrill of freedom on those late summer nights, just testing my independence. For some reason, 2011 is one of the most important years of my life.

I was spending my vacation at my aunt's house for almost two months. One time, my younger sister, our nanny, and I were planning to share our secrets when we found out that my aunt's family was on vacation in Surigao for five days. So, only the three of us were left at home.

The plan went like this: my younger sister secretly brought her boyfriend home. She's too young, and our parents wouldn’t allow her to be in a relationship. So, hiding their relationship was a challenging task, especially with all the gossipers in our neighborhood. Of course, nothing serious happened—they were just at the "we’re talking" stage of dating, hanging out in our front yard, while the nanny and I had our own world under the roof.

Now, it was my turn. It was my first time sneaking out at night without getting caught, and I really enjoyed myself. I lied to get a taste of freedom, with the help of my younger sister and nanny. My aunt always monitored us closely and made sure to call every day and night to check if we were home.

I was in the middle of the road when my sister texted me that my aunt was looking for me and wanted to talk to me on the phone.

And I was like...

So, I thought of something reasonable. I texted my younger sister back, telling her not to wake me up because I wasn’t feeling well—dysmenorrhea, you know, the usual period pain every woman dreads. I was hoping this excuse would divert my aunt and she wouldn’t bother me anymore. If not... well, I was as good as dead.

Honestly, I didn’t give a damn about the consequences if I got caught. But just to get that taste of freedom I’d wanted for so long, I was going all in—“no guts, no glory.” Oha! Trying to be brave even though I’m prone to heart attacks! Haha, my goodness!

SUCCESS!

But God was good to me—thank God! You have no idea what a relief it was to read the message from my sister that my plan had been successful. Still, I kept reminding myself to be home early in the morning before my aunt could catch me.

At the same time, I was like, “YES! HAPPY sha la la la! It’s so nice to be happy sha la la la!”

And yes, I spent the whole night with our friends in Moalboal.

I know, I know! I should remain this private. But, I am I and you are you. I think it is important to be interesting more than I to keep my life private. Anyway, let me start with a short story. 

I was in a relationship for 2 years and a half and I seem to be getting a lot worse by the day after seeing a picture of a girl who is kissing him on Facebook. He wants to explain, but I don't deserve his explanation. Some mistake is an accident, but cheating and lying are not mistakes. Indeed, they are intentional choices. So, it's better to save his explanation because what I see is what I get. Then, I tell myself this - I have to be strong and move on with my life because I know I deserve someone better.